The Wizards Stone and The Queen of Ill Fortune
by Skelington
Summary: A new twist on the old fellowship goes to earth theme. Encludes graphic desciptions of klutzyness and bad luck! Enjoy! p.s. Changed the title because as you well know the last one sucked.
1. Default Chapter

The Wizards' Stone and The Queen of Ill Fortune  
  
Disclaimer: It's all Tolkien's. Except anything you don't recognize. And for the right price, he can have them too.  
  
Chapter one: Hyena from Hell!!  
  
This whole thing started two years ago, I truly believe that. None of this would have happened if Rachel hadn't lost a finger at the zoo. See I had just won the lottery and I should have seen this coming because nothing good happens without something bad evening the scales out. It's Karma or some crap. So anyway, here I was, trying to treat my sister and her friends with a trip to the zoo. I turn my back for like, three seconds and Rachel is screaming, turns out she was poking her fingers at a damn hyena and oddly enough it bit one off. Who would have guessed something like that would happen. Not me. So after months spent paying for her doctor bills and apologizing up the hoo-haa I finally get over the trauma. Someone should have warned me not to get too comfortable. Bastards.  
  
So there I was, two years later, driving home from the store when I see this bolt of lightening off in the distance. It was strange considering that the sky was clear. Thinking it was a fluke I go into the house to find the girls (all older but not too much wiser) teasing Rachel. You see, lately she had begun the search for a man as short as her, who is also missing a finger (hello shop teachers!!!), it was her latest obsession. Just as they were predictably getting to the part where they say that they 'told her not to do it!' to which she counters 'no you told me to doooo it!!' there was a knock at the door. He said his name was Frodo, but as far as I was concerned he was trouble. Rachel, in a mad dash to escape the riffing of her by the others, gets the door. Before I can even move from putting the groceries away, the door slams and I hear two sets of feet run up the stairs. So I go to the bottom of the stairs to call up to her room and see what's going on. I don't even get to open my mouth when there's another knock at the door. So being polite, I turn on the light before I open it. I hear a shout of surprise on the other side. So I open the door to find a scraggly yet amazingly handsome man on the other side. After clearing his vision he addresses me. From what I gather, his friend came in here, they're lost and he wants to come in. Not having realized that this would be the part where I should turn him away because he's trouble, I let him in. Did I mention I hadn't dated ever? Soon after getting him a drink of water, There's another knock, this time behind the door there are two people, a tall blonde one and a short red head with a beard. They were friends of the other two. It didn't seem right to break up the set. More glasses of water are followed by more knocks. And before long I have six strange men in my house, two are blonde with pointy ears (weird) and one is missing and another is really short and kinda cranky. Every last one of them is carrying. Damn hyenas. I am so never going to the zoo ever again. 


	2. Eggs I Like!

Eggs I Like!!!  
  
Do I have to do the disclaimer thing again? Yeah that's what I thought punks.  
  
Dinner time rolled around and I had made salads and other healthy stuff. You see, after winning the lotto, I joined a gym and lost a bunch of weight. I had become almost obsessed with keeping the perfect "J-lo" figure. Okay I maybe was slightly bigger than the diva in question but I looked damn good. So it was dinner time and Rachel came down with Frodo to feed. Apparently they had been comparing their stories of finger loss or whatever, kinda obsessed if you ask me. As we all sat down to dinner, one of my guests unfortunately noticed the lack of males in the house. Okay his name was Aragorn and if you want to know, I had been wondering what life as "Mrs. Aragorn" would be like. I came to the conclusion it would be sexy. It seem to please him that I was single, so I decided to make a joke. It was a Monty Python one. A Castle Anthrax joke to be exact. Only the girls laughed. Go figure. Gandalf just sat back and listened with great interest. Before long, we were all having pleasant conversations. While I was trying to grill Gandalf for info (I wasn't getting anything) it seems my sister was chatting Aragorn up about me. Before I knew it she was going over my dating history, or lack thereof. That's when the badness came to my house. She told him I was a virgin. I was so humiliated. I got up, sputtered off some lame ass excuse about needing eggs and ran to my car. Man that girl was gonna be dead. Also I had just bought eggs two hours ago. 


	3. That is so not an opossum!

That's So Not an Opossum  
  
an-Last chapter was kinda short so lets see if I can do better this time around  
  
Okay, it took some time but I was some how able to return home with my eggs and some of my pride. What I came home to was craziness along the usual vein. The TV was blaring Powerpuff Girls and nobody was watching it.They were teaching the boys how to play various card and board games. Amanda somehow felt the need to call our guest strange rip-offs of their names like 'Frito', 'Googly', 'Handbag' and 'Legoset' and apparently Rosie had called Aragorn 'Oragano' but had assured everyone it was an honest mistake.Uh-huh sure. None of them seemed too motivated to mock Gandalf's name. So nobody really noticed my grand entrance. And they say God doesn't answer prayers. In fact it wasn't until I was staring at the two dozen eggs in my fridge kinda impotently that Aragorn came up to me,  
  
"Are you well Lady Melissa?"  
  
"Yeah sure why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"You left in a rush, and you seemed very flustered. Is there something I can do perhaps?"(what a guy huh? Pardon me while I swoon.)  
  
"I'm okay. I was just a little embarrassed."  
  
At this he smiles and says "There is no need to feel shame. To save yourself for love is an honorable thing. Someday soon you will meet the one, I assure you."  
  
Before I could respond, he sauntered off in that sexy way of his. After a lot of discussion, our guest expressed that they felt the need to look after us, they wouldn't tell us what from. So we arranged for one of the guys to watch out the windows of our bedrooms. Legolas would stay in Rosie's room, Haldir in Amanda's, Frodo in Rachel's and Aragorn in mine. Gimli would watch the back door and Gandalf the front. I wasn't entirely sure of how this situation would pan out but I knew one thing. I was not sleeping in only a tee and unders tonight. Dressed in a tank and Power Puff girl pj bottoms I escorted Aragorn to my room. We established that I could shut off the lights and then both settled in, me in my bed and he on the window seat. I even managed to fall asleep when I heard Argorn leave the room. So I did the only sensible thing, I followed. He went downstairs, past the snoring dwarf and out the back door before he turned to address me about following him. Apparently he had heard a noise. I thought it was an opossum, but standing behind him was this ugly monster which he swiftly dispatched. He then proceeded to shuffle me back indoors and rouse the others. The girls still rubbing sleep from their eyes wanted me to tell them what Aragorn had killed. I had no clue but one thing I did know was that is so not an opossum. 


	4. Hello StarshineMiddle Earth says hello!

Good Morning Star Shine...Middle Earth Says Hello  
  
After getting the barest minimum of info on the situation (orcs bad , kill orcs) Gandalf informed us that we would all be sleeping in the living room together to make watching us easier. Right as if I wanted several attractive men watching me sleep in the first place. I started to argue with him but thought better of it. He still seemed kinda scary. So after we got the sleeping bags up, and after me falling on my ass in front of everyone. We settled in. The girls somehow managed to fall right back to sleep. I on the other hand spent some time obsessing over what Aragorn thought of me and if I jiggled too much when I fell. But I too managed to fall back to sleep, and I dreamed. They weren't happy dreams full of hugs and puppies either. I saw a strange old man, a green jewel and lots of war and death. I awoke with a start to find Gimli staring down at me looking...well hungry. What in the name of pete do dwarves eat anyway? It isn't little girls is it? Not that I'm little mind you (nearly six foot). But Rachel was, in fact she was almost as short as Frodo, so there was some concern. That's when Rosie and Amanda came in and babbled on about me making pancakes. Figures they would send him in to wake me so I didn't want kill them. Thus making it easier to beg for pancakes. After swearing vengence on the lot of them, I arose and began the preperations for pancakes. Some of the males had gone outside to search the woods for any of those orc thingies so I was left with the dwarf, the hobbit and Gandalf. Who we all felt was keeping something from us. So apon finishing a pile of pancakes that would rival Mt. St. Helens, I went to call the missing gentlemen in for breakfast. I tripped again. This time over one my own shoes on the back porch and I skinned my elbow. So while it began to bleed all over the place, I called the guys in. Let me explain something to you. My whole life I have been a klutz and have gotten quite used to falling and hurting myself. It's why I have tattoos. Dermal abrasions are the norm for me. But Aragorn didn't know this. He got all worried and patched me. I felt like a new woman. It was so neat and I can finally be grateful that I don't know how to breathe and walk upright at the same time. After everyone was well fed, the girls and I decided to shower and change. I had just gotten this denim corset and who better to try it out on than a hunky weirdo right? You maybe had noticed that I had gotten too comfortable so again something bad was coming. It stopped in at my room aproxamatly four minutes after my shower was completed. I had just began to brush my hair out when the door opened and I heard a startled yelp, so turned my head just in time to see the back end of Aragorn walk out the door. As you can imagine, I screamed bloody murder. I was totally and completely nekkid. Go figure. As I stood there panting and being upset, this cheery song came on in the back ground "...hello starshine the earth says hello...." Hello indeed. 


	5. The Gandalf Address

The Gandalf Address  
  
an: Sorry it's been like forever since my last update my how times flies. Anyway, the old rules still apply for this chapter.  
  
Facing Aragorn was something of a challenge after that, but I knew that if I was going to root out the mystery of these six males in babeland I was going to have to swallow my alleged pride and do just that. I decided against the sexy corset and settled on the more sensible combination of a pair of low-cut jeans and tee shirt. Damn why was every single thing I owned revealing? Stupid weight loss. I managed to enter the living room with a minimum of falling on my butt which was good, but when I got there Gimli winked at me, which was bad. Remind me to bop the little shrimp on the head next time he drops that ax of his. Soon the girls had joined us and were asked by Gandalf to sit on the sofa, by the way he said it I knew he meant business. I also knew that if I didn't join them super fast, he would clam up. So I did. He cleared his throat and we waited. Finally after sometime he addressed us.   
  
"I imagine you are all wondering why it is that we came here to your world."  
  
"Yeah we're also wondering why you used the words 'your world'." I said, trying to sound brave.  
  
"We come here to collect an artifact of great power and importance, and we need your help retrieving it."  
  
At this Aragorn leaped to his feet and cursed at Gandalf in some foreign language. Gandalf responded and although he didn't look happy Aragorn no longer interrupted.   
  
"It is a great Green stone, round and large, can you tell me if you've seen anything like it?"  
  
We thought for a while and deliberated amongst ourselves but none of us had remembered seeing anything that sounded like that. Gandalf was sort of upset by this, but the others were relieved for some reason. Especially Frodo. The way he held Rachel's hand it was no wonder. Something was fast growing between them, something beautiful and strange. 


	6. Revelations followed by a Lover's Walk

Revelations followed by a Lovers Walk  
  
Disclaimer: The title is a combo of two Buffy ep titles. It was my favorite show so sue. Or don't. Yeah don't.  
  
After we were dismissed by Gandalf (He actually dismissed me in my own home) because he needed to think we went our separate ways for a time. Rosie and Amanda dragged the Elves upstairs for T.V. in their room, Rachel showed Frodo and Gimli the game room and Aragorn went to the back porch to think. I did the dishes slowly and finally when there was nothing else to stall me any longer I joined him. He was sitting on the steps smoking a pipe and frowning. So I joined him. For a while he did nothing more but stare. After a while, though, I grew tired of the silence and decided to break it.  
  
"So where do you come from?" I asked quite lamely.  
  
He turned slowly and when his eyes lighted on me they seemed to soften from the hard granite colored orbs. He faced changed instantly as he seemed to blush and smile at the same time. I responded in kind and the minutes seemed to stretch into hours. Finally he did something I was not expecting, he kissed me. Like kissed me, kissed me. I nearly died.   
  
"I come from the White City. In the land of Gondor." He answered finally.   
  
"Gondor? Where's that? Is it in England?" I was not thinking clearly at this time. Not that I was any good at geography.  
  
"It is in Middle Earth. A reality different from this one. We came through a portal. Gandalf is a wizard." This he said in a rush as though he were afraid that if he didn't rush he would chicken out and not say it at all.  
  
I thought about it for a while and decided that for better or worse I was going to believe him. Why? Because after all the strange and amazing things that happened in my life so far, this was not really so far fetched. Besides, I was falling in love. While I was debating, Aragorn was on pins and needles, so I decided to make it easy on him. I took his hand and led him into the woods for a walk. Well a walk and some kissing, and some mild groping which will not be described. Needless to say, fun was had by all. 


	7. See! TV Really Can Be Useful!

See!! T.V. Really Can Be Useful!!!  
  
While I was enjoying my time alone with Aragorn, someone in the house was not enjoying herself. Rosie was having another one of her killer migraines. Nobody really knew quite what to do with her, not even the doctors. It was starting to be debilitating. So there she was (or so that is how it was told) when Legolas apparently expressed his concern for her health. Amanda took some time out of her riffing of Haldir to explain what was going on and that rubbing Rosie's temples sometimes helped. So he offered to not only rub her head for her, but also gave a drink of something called Miruvor. They sat that way for a while watching the tube when suddenly Amanda (who was working the flipper) stopped on a news channel. Something familiar had just flashed on the screen. And Oh!!! There it was again!! That green orb that Gandalf had asked them about earlier. According to the report, Donald Trump had just bought it in auction at 2.4 million dollars. Apparently he was going to display it in his office in the Trump Towers in New York. All four people could do nothing more than stare for about two seconds after the broadcast then suddenly Rosie let out a banshee like scream that managed to not only inflame her migraine but scare the holy bejesus out of everyone and everything within a five mile radius of the house. I nearly peed myself and Aragorn ( who had been holding my hand at the time) just about ripped my arm off when he yanked me toward the house. We got there just in time to hear the girls babbling out the whole story while the elves injected some commentary hear and there to elaborate. It didn't take long for everyone to learn exactly what had gone on and where this green orb was going to be. This was very exciting news, it seemed, for Gandalf alone. Everyone else seemed sad or worried. And although I knew that Aragorn didn't want any of us to know more than we had to, I was going to find out just exactly what was going on. If my new friends were in trouble, I wanted to help. But it seemed that I would have to use different tactics for getting the information as asking them straight out was not working all that well. In fact all male peoples had convened to the back porch for a secret conference as soon as the twerps were finished babbling. We talked for a while amongst ourselves as well. We came to the conclusion that the only way to get the whole story was to use our feminine whiles (such as they were) to seduce them into talking. Note to self: obtain feminine whiles. 


	8. Double O Nothing

Double "O" Nothing  
  
My trap was set, okay our traps were set. Mine was cool, it was a romantic dinner in the back yard. We had a pretty garden back there and a table with chairs and a sun umbrella. It was the perfect spot for a romantic candle lit dinner complete with low cut dress. I bought the dinner and set everything up, got all dressed and pulled the man out into the yard. The look on his face was priceless, he was so happy and thankful and....well I just couldn't shake the feeling that he knew just exactly what was up. Oh well, I fugured that I was just being paranoid so I let the feeling pass. I served him dinner and we exchanged stories of our past and ideas about our futures. Never once did he mention the orb and although I was dying to, I bided my time. Finally I could take it no longer, I just had to ask.   
  
"What is the big secret, what does Gandalf need the orb for?"  
  
"I cannot say. For you to know would be extremely dangerous."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"The orb's power is so great, whoever posesses it could very likely control the world." He answered sounding very grave. I knew we were getting to the last few answers he would give without physical violence.  
  
"What's it called?" (what the hell did I ask that for I wonder?)  
  
"It is called The Wizards' Stone and that is all I can tell you." at that he got up from the table and walked off into the woods.   
  
And that my friends is the problem with deep, mysterious men. They have too much practice at keeping secrets. As far as I knew, the others weren't doing any better than I was. Of course I found out later I was pretty much wrong. 


	9. Lil' Bits

Lil' Bits  
  
Well while I was only getting the barest minimum of information from Aragorn, Rosie was setting her own trap. She had decided that instead of trying to seduce Legolas into telling her she would try to get information out of him another way. Though her migraine was long gone, she had retired to her bed and had proceeded to moan and groan about how much it hurt. Legolas was literaly in a tizzy. He was running around trying to find things to help her. Bringing her more of that Miruvor and rubbing her temples. It was apparantly quite adorable. Just when he was about to cry from the frusteration of not being to help her, she layed it on so thick you would have had to have a shovel to scrape it off.  
  
"Tell me what causes these headaches and I will try to soothe your pain away." He said in a worried voice.  
  
"Well if you really want to know, it's this whole thing with that jewel and you guys going to get it."  
  
"Do not let that worry you, it is nothing that is too dangerous. All will be well before you know it."   
  
"But what if He uses it to destroy the world." (this was all clearly conjuncture at this point)  
  
"Who do you mean?"  
  
"Oh you know." (wait for it...)  
  
"You know about Saruman's return to life?" (and that's the payoff)  
  
"Who doesn't?."   
  
At this point I have to tell you that elves can only be tricked for so long. This one? Well he just shook his head and left Rosie alone in her room. She didn't know it at the time, but he was actually kinda hurt and angry. In fact, he stormed off into the woods not long after Aragorn left me. Later on, we found out they had some kind of angry deep guy meeting in the woods. 


	10. Four Fingered Discount

Four Fingered Discount  
  
Meanwhile, back in Gotham city, Rachel was just hanging out with Frodo. They really weren't doing anything special and from the outside, it would seem like she wasn't trying to get anything out of him. That would be totally inaccurate. See she had decided to use another tactic. All based on the fact that she had what seemed to be a very strong bond with the hobbit. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't lying or sending him false signals, she was just speeding along the natural progression of their already very strong relationship.  
  
They talked for what seemed like an hour before she even broached the subject of the orb. After not getting anything from him (he was the hardest to break), she applied a healthy dose of guilt and got quite a bit of info (of course after he broke, the words flowed like a river).  
  
This is the story he told her:  
  
A long time ago, hope was small and lost in the dark. Nobody knew quite what to do about Sauron, though they knew he was going to eventually return to his former throne in Mordor. The ring had not been destroyed. Three wizards gathered together in a dark and stormy night. All of them knowing that the future of the inhabitants of the land they had long ago learned to call home could very well depend on what they were about to do. They had to have a plan B, a way to help beat back the hordes. And so the plans were laid for a large orb. They would poar all the magic that was offered to them by the Illuvitar into it. The orb would have balance though. Inside it would be held the power to do not only good but also evil. It would be able to create and destroy. Because, only by bringing balance back to the world would life have any kind of a chance. The talisman was hidden away with the express instructions that it be used only if the peoples of this land could not defeat the evil being. It was known to all three that one day they might have to shed their flesh bodies and show their true faces. One day they would have to be more than the simple wizards that were known to people all around them.  
  
If you think that's some pretty heavy stuff, wait till you find out what Amanda got out of Haldir. 


	11. Luck Ain't No Lady

Luck Ain't No Lady  
  
Haldir was by far the most stern and most...well arrogant one of the group. His very nature made Amanda want to pick on him until he cried. So her methods for getting information from him were different and somewhat less friendly then our own. Instead of charming it out of him, or conniving it out of him, she decided to play it out of him. Blackjack and booze were the tools she used. And the most surprising thing about the whole situation was it worked. Sure she cheated at Blackjack and she gave him more whiskey than any normal man could possibly hold but she got a doozey of a secret out of him. This was the secret to end all secrets. This secret would well change all of our lives forever. It would also make us very cranky. You see all of our lives, my sister and I didn't have a father. We never met him or got a call or so much as received a single birthday card from him. He just disappeared. And there's a very good reason for that, he was in Middle Earth being a wizard. That's right, Gandalf is our father. That's the big secret that Haldir told Amanda. That's why Aragorn got angry at Gandalf when he tried to see if we had heard of or seen this orb thing, because he felt that he was putting his daughters in undue danger. But wait there's more!! Amanda's crazy mom, as it turns out, wasn't her real mom. Her father was Radagast the Brown is another wizard and Gandalf are cousins. She is related to us. This whole thing was getting too complicated. After finding this out, Amanda pretty much left the intoxicated elf on his own to tell us the news. Needless to say we were peeved. After all these years our father was some wizard from an alternate dimension. We spent much of the time after the shock wore off, piecing together the information we had gathered. The situation was as follows; our long lost father and his friends came from another dimension to stop an apocalypse that he kinda started. Elves, Dwarves, Dragons and Hobbits were real. When push came to shove. Despite the anger and hurt three-fourths of us were feeling, we knew that we couldn't just sit back and not help them save our world and stop this Saruman guy. Swallowing our pride was the only way to get things together and a plan worked out before it was to late. I knew this but I couldn't help feeling that we hadn't been as lucky as we first thought. 


End file.
